rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
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me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*