My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
The government even made aliens boring
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.