Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Netflix and you sit over there.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?