I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.