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I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.