According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
After 35, your body ages in dog years
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
iPhone X
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.