[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
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Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.