I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
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My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
what it’s like dating me:
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.