*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”