Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
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Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.