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Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
No regrets in 2018
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.