All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
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Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.