A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
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Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
inside you are two wolves
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?