If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
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“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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