Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
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Feel. He’s so soft.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
who will stop them
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.