Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.