Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
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My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Yup.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”