I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
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[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
my nickname in college
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.