The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor đź‘Ž.
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[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.