If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
You Might Also Like
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]