american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
dream blunt rotation
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!