4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
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My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Knock Knock
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.