If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them