Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
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Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
What if all the cashiers are married?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe