My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
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[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
*offers Batman cough drops*
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.