I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Found my door mat
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?