Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
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My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*