WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
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me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.