If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
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[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill