I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.