Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
You Might Also Like
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
the three branches of government
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.