job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
You Might Also Like
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain