The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Life with a cat in one tweet
me adding lol on a serious message
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Basketball
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?