Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.