Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
You Might Also Like
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.