Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
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[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea