Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
You Might Also Like
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.