Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
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Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College