It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
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“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
next level snooze
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.