embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
This could be us… but you playing
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.