Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
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GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My whole life was a lie.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.