Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine