Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal