ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
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Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry