*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
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[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony