Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
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Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family