Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
You Might Also Like
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio