I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
<- sleeps well with others
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Goat cheese is for herders.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it