You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
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Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I put the mess in domestic.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
The Birdles
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”