The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”