Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.